in defense of the little things

Sometimes.

When you live alone in the smallest apartment ever and you continually find yourself tripping over homeless shoes and searching for your jewelry and question straightening your hair because your bathroom is so small and the lighting makes you slightly hate your face you may wonder what happened to my life and how did I end up here?

Those times. Oh, those times. It gets hard to 'keep your chin up' and you may just want to cry because you are lonely and alone and there is no one to say how pretty you are and your bed just feels painfully empty like it is quite possibly the biggest, coldest bed in the world.

Those are the times that I feel like maybe I just shifted into reverse and kept speeding backwards and I maybe made a big mistake? Did I add years to my five year plan for all the wrong reasons? And I sort of just feel like asking the world, "World, would it be perfectly acceptable to you if I just crawled into bed and slept and dreamt and then woke up and felt amazingly better and sort of not like crying at completely random inopportune times? Those are the times when my big dreams feel slightly not-so-possible. When I don't have his eyes to mirror back my hopes and dreams to me they sort of seem silly and like they will always be imagined and never be real. And let me tell you...when I start to feel like that it is a mean, ugly feeling and I do not like it one bit no I do NOT.

There are the little things though. A snugly squish of an eighty pound dog that loves to lick my chin when I can't quite keep it up because (I swear it) he knows when I am so, so sad. There are hammock naps in the sunshine and shopping dates with my favorite loves. There are runs through my new neighborhood which if I make my eyes all squinty-like sorta reminds me of Portland...and Portland has a big piece of my heart. There are three endless months of sunshine coming my way oh-so-soon and even though I know it's bad for me I love my bronzed skin after a long, warm day. There are sundresses and strappy sandals and spinach salads to look forward to.

Maybe right now...the now where I wonder if I made a big mistake or a choice for myself that will ultimately be what I needed more than anything, maybe this now is telling me to take a deep breath, enjoy the little things as they come, and just smile.