so that's awkward.

This a typical date for me:

The other day on my way to a date I decided to stop and get frozen yogurt. Kind of like a reward, because I literally had to force myself to leave my place having already agreed to this date even though I really, really just wanted to go to bed. So I show up to his apartment with a giant diet coke in one hand and a frozen yogurt in the other. Around the time I realized that isn't the sort of first impression one wants to make I also realized that my diet coke had no booze in it, which made sad and wary of how I was going to make it through the next 45 minutes (I like to keep first dates to the absolute minimum. I figure that's good either way; if they suck you haven't wasted more than an hour, and if the chemistry's there then you leave them wanting more. Or something). Not to worry, because this dude seemed to be an alcoholic of some sort. I'm just going out on a limb and making that assumption based only upon the fact that he found it necessary to down two shots of whiskey before we walked to Whole Foods for dinner. He also had one mixed drink. I didn't judge because let's be honest, we all know I poured some of that whisk into my DC.

Off we went, fueled by booze and hunger. He decided on pizza and I got a soup and salad. I told him that I was going to eat ONE bite of his pizza, but I guess he didn't believe me (I can't fault him, would you believe the chick that just showed up to meet you eating a giant Maverick frozen yogurt?) because he kind of looked at me sideways and muttered "mmmhmm". Apparently neither did the guy working at Whole Foods because he gave us the biggest slice cut into two individual slices so that I could "have my own." I shook  my head and explained that I really did only want one bite because I was so full already. Then I ended up eating almost all of it, including my soup and my salad before he even finished half of his slice. So that was super sexy. It's probably time to seriously examine my relationship with food. I think we may be a little too tight these days, food and I.

After I scarfed down my dinner like a growing baby dinosaur, a girl who used to be a patient at the residential treatment center I work up tapped me on the shoulder. So here I am, drinking a HEAVILY whiskied diet coke in the health food store at  ten on a weeknight, talking to this girl about following the rules and not staying out late on school nights and why in the world are you on your way to a party right now you're only fourteen years old please tell me you don't have a boyfriend.?! Naturally after she left, whiskey dude wants to know who she was, and for obvious reasons I can't really tell him that she was a patient in the hospital I work at, so I just muttered something about her being a girl I used to hang out with. "You often hang out with fourteen year olds....?" he asked "Um, yeah. You know. Pretty regularly. Sometimes. Just...." is literally what I said.

Is it bad that I don't want to go out with him again only because I can't understand why in the world he would ASK me out again after all that?

do I get my girl-card revoked because I don't like to cuddle? no, seriously. please stop. now.

When Mini-J, Rose, and I all lived together I ended up with the room that you had to walk through to get to the bathroom. This is how it pretty much went down:

I had been at work when Rose and Mini-J went to look at the place. Mini-J, who has powers far beyond normal and can convince almost anyone of nearly anything called me beside herself with excitement. "The house is perfect! It has hardwood and crown-moulding and ALL the original tile in the bathroom!" (trust me, when you're a renter in this city those things are all what you really, really want). She went on to describe the bedrooms: "So, since I don't like sunlight and I don't have as many clothes as you guys I thought I could take the little basement and turn part of it into the sitting room. Rose can have the big front room because it has so many windows and natural light." (Rose turns into a monster without her sunlight, true story. Often I just don't see her between December and March). I had pretty much figured out how this conversation was going to end from the moment it started. Having found the house and looked at all the pictures online already, we ALL knew that the main bedroom was the only access to the bathroom, so somone was going to be stuck having her bedroom constantly invaded by people who needed to pee, or brush their teeth, shower sex?, get ready for work, puke, etc. This is how Mini-J sold that room to me: "And you can have the room with the ceiling fan and HUGE closest!" (the closest wasn't huge. I mean, I'm sure when that house was built it was obscence but that bitch wasn't even big enough to hold my boots). But yeah, that ceiling fan was pretty sweet.

Since I ended up in the no privacy room, Mini-J, Rose, and constant others were continually invading my room, meaning they pretty much had unrestricted access to my love-life, such as it was. Most people who know me realize that I'm not a very...affectionate person. I mean yeah, when I'm in a relationship with someone I adore I love spending hours in bed snuggled up...but for the life of me, I just don't understand the NEED that so many GUYS have to continually try to spend the night, to cuddle, to hold hands, to nuzzle...ugh. Barf. Mini-J said she would frequently walk into my room at night to get ready for bed and find me curled up in the corner of my bed with no blankets, scowling in my sleep with some dude glued to my side with his finger in my hair. What is that?

I've recently been re-introduced to this practice, and I still basically hate it just as much. I'm sorry, we just met, and you're SORT OF ruining my badass reputation by continually trying to hold my hand. And what's with awkward back pats? I've been getting tons of those lately. If you're going to insist on touching me, at least make it worth my while and give me a massage or something. Geez.

At least this time there isn't an audience for my irritated sighs.